Zelda's bloggert

Later yo

rivermerchant — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 12:36:47 +0000

Sorry, Ann, but I really can’t have people I know reading my blog. Moving to another site. Later yo.

Knowing Zelda

rivermerchant — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 03:52:38 +0000

Would anyone I know still like me if they knew me? Not the way Key knows me, or the way Slick knows me. If the answer is no, then Irony Slip is my only real friend. Shes seen me at my best, my worst, and knows just about everything about me. Katie gave up on Fenna like that, after she found out that thing about her. Would she drop me as a friend if she found out about me too? I don’t mean that she has to like all of me… but would she really just stop talking to me if she knew everything? Damn it. Kuso

An im I wish I could send

rivermerchant — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 03:19:19 +0000

That makes me terribly sad. Seeing your reaction makes me think about people accept peoples personalities on the surface, but they can’t handle everything thats underneath. The that she watches furry porn is the last straw for you liking her at all makes me see how weak your love really was. If it couldn’t even survive that then… well… I’m sorry you two ever went out. I wish you’d never of been together if that one little thing deturs you so much. I’m deeply saddened, Katie.

Talk? You want to talk?!

rivermerchant — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 07:48:18 +0000

He says “We haven’t really talked in a while” And then he tries to tell his philosophy to me over aim…. after completely ignoring me for so long, after we went through so much, or at least I did. Emotional trauma, I’ve termed it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have a real conversation with him again. I’m very happy for him that he’s found a good place in his life. I think thats just dandy. But I don’t think I can look him in the face and have a serious conversation. I look at him and I see depression and anxiety, not answering if he shows up on the callar ID, I see fake happiness and years of pain. Just talking to him normally is painful… partially because of the aforstated reason and also because it reminds me of how we used to be. When I only knew Clean Cat on the surface, he was the nicest, smartest, and cleverest boy I knew. Now I see his pain. Its like how I always say, you get to know me on the surface, then you get to know the whole person. If you can’t handle me on the surface, you DEFINITELY can’t handle all of me. But this case was a bit different. I was totally fine with his surface, but I couldn’t handle what turmoil and scars lay bellow. He told me everything. I felt like a garbage can……. but we’ve been through this all before. *le sigh*

Lighting up

rivermerchant — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 04:36:51 +0000

Well, its official… I’ve smoked pot, weed, mary jane, grass, BAHH so many names. Big bro Tay Tay and Nerd snuck me out the basement and we went somewhere dark to smoke it. “Quality stuff” in BbTT’s terms. So I suppose I got high… but it wasn’t at all what I thought would happen. I wasn’t loopy or overly happy like they got. I just closed my eyes and saw such wonderful things. It was beautiful. The colors and designs. It was like I was a child again, like when I used to have an active imagination. I finally understand what the hippies meant by psychedelic. So that was two nights ago, and I was offered some shit by this homeless guy yesterday.. but I refused, even though I knew I’d see the colors again. I didn’t want to scare Key or Irony Slip. Well… now I know that Irony Slip was ok with what I did, but Key would have been completely disillusioned if she saw me smoking weed… I want to again because I want to imagine like that guy who wrote Alice in Wonderland and see like a hippie in the 60′s. Irony Slip explained that “I don’t mind if you did that… I just don’t like the lifestyle of those addicts on the strip.” Thats a pretty mello attitude. I feel the same way, but I avoid conflicts with them. She seems to thrive on that. -_-; I don’t mind using the real names of people I’ve met on the strip because…well…. they don’t have internets and they’re really not very close to me. Theres Alister, DC, and Duff. The first wrote graffiti about the other two. DC is a “seer”. He told me that “That kid **about this high** really doesn’t like you”. I just know he was talking about Cocky Sir. T_T Things are so awkward. Maybe that means I shouldn’t try to reestablish our relationship, no matter how attracted I am to him. God, thats so disgusting. Lust. Oh Jesus, its late. I get horny when I’m late. Yay for masturbating with nail polish bottles! XD Wait… wtf was I talking about? Oh yes, strip people. I don’t know DC very well, but Key and I concluded that he’s just a spoiled teenager. Well we couldn’t really talk, he was DEXing at the time we saw him. Thats rather incapacitating. I’ve never done that before. I don’t think I’ll try it though. I just want to get my hands on some more weed. I feel so accomplished….. odd.

One more thing,… Clean Cat said that he smoked pot and then later admitted that he’d lied. That means… I BEAT HIM. AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH! (I’m big on winning)

Concieted or worst fears confirmed?

rivermerchant — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 06:21:25 +0000

The orange glow is rising up from the ashes
I stare into it and wonder
My only dream
my wish and my refrain:
“I want to have my heart burn.”

All around me the dark is strong
the plains are all awash with fear.
And as I take a step
My thoughts are neatly clipped
Everything is just recycled.

When I saw the person on the first day
I wondered to myself about them then
I will end the dole
or maybe lose my soul
And I saw their broken heart.

I let the despair flow out strong
it wouldn’t stop that much is plain
engineered from one
to leap up at the gun
Turns the heart into a rock.

Now by the smoke the cuts are made
deep and dark will go the blade
Denial of self
No hope by the twelfth
And then I will feel the burn.

Devotion is a funny thing
Feed a plant and watch it sing
By then I saw her too reserved to care.
But despite the guide
she rose up then with pride
And with love did all the scorching burn.

Now here comes the time
The deciding line is nigh
never again will the clock tell.
Whether we’re free to soar above
or banished to the cove.
I have been returned to hell.

I will not take the plunge
I know I’m not too far gone
but on the night I thought you died
I swear I nearly almost cried
and then I knew the price of love
but burning, still, is far enough.

The furnace has died down
The coals crackle around
and yet
I can
not
feel. ~~Clean Cat (facebook note)

When I first read this I was really scared. I was shivering so much… I put on long pants and a jacket and I still couldn’t stop the shaking. I talked to Slick on aim. She helped A LOT. Shes got me almost completely convinced he’s talking about someone else. I’m probably just conceited, thinking its about me. Plus, the thing about meeting the girl with the broken heart totally doesn’t fit me! Sure, its a depressing poem, but it most likely refers to a metaphorical concept or another girl. I’m so glad the shivering has stopped. Pretending its ok really helps. I ought to do this more often. Now my discomfort has reseeded to only be a general feeling of wariness. Its not taking over my body like it did when I talked to Gay or like it did a few seconds ago. This is one emotion I may need an easy damper to suppress. I can’t have it overtaking me at inopportune times. I wish Clean Cat would just say, I’ve found a new girl, I’m OVER YOU. That would make severing the ties so much easier, swifter. I think I’m the only one holding on to the roof, trying to convince myself that I’ve already let go and let the feelings die. But really, I’m hanging on by one subconscious finger, suffering from all the thing which affect one hanging by a thread. Apprehension. False determination. Lingering emotions. The only way I can let go is to know, straight from his mouth, that hes done. No, that didn’t work. He already told me he was “over me”, and that didn’t really help. Then WHAT? Oh cosmos WHAT will help me let go. I’ve tried so many times myself. I thought the summer would help. How can one continue emotional bonds when they never see the other? But truly, all this vacation has done is given me time to overanalyze the situation to the point that I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know how I’d feel about it if it happened that way. lulz. facepalm.jpg. The school year is going to make things so much harder. We’ll see each other everyday. If things go back to normal, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to level my emotions out. Crying so much lately. And if they don’t… things will be terribly awkward. God, its cold. I’ve got this tight warm spot with cold surrounding it. Like a spider bite. Ugh. I’m going to bed. This is getting me nowhere.

My fight

rivermerchant — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:15:55 +0000

Where did my will go? I used to have so much fight in me, so much gusto. I was determined to fix any wrong, to be nice to everyone, to make everything equal, to argue my case with anyone who offered an opposing opinion. When did it die? Did Clean Cat really break me? When I gave up on him,… I gave a huge concession. I couldn’t fix the situation. I knew at the time that I’d have to get over it eventually and get my will to win back. I have enough left to live on… but it seems like I haven’t got that will anymore. I want it back, but I don’t know what to do. I try my hardest every day,… but this seems like all I can do these days.

If I am enough, then why… god damn it. I succeed at so much.. I do so well at so many things. So WHY. WHY do I fail at the two things I love so much: tennis and singing. I am enough, but not.. enough to do what I want to do. I didn’t make ensemble and I didn’t make varsity. But I don’t want to give up completely… I absolutely refuse to give in. I don’t care if this is a sign that I should do other things. I’d rather see it as the cosmos telling me that I’m not trying hard enough, that I’ve lost my fight. I take your rules and interpret them as I please, good sir Universe.

Also, “Moving Mountains” by Usher is a great song for writing here. It makes me feel each emotion rock my body. The shivering, the figiting, the tears. All of it.

Maryland

rivermerchant — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 15:24:03 +0000

“Zelda, I can’t go to Michigan. I don’t even know if I’ll be here when school starts. I’m really sorry.” (8/3) “I’m going to Maryland. I don’t know when I’ll be back” (8/4) ~~Laugh Smart.

It she trying to get away from her father? Probably. Well whatever she’s running from, I hope shes ok. I told her to e-mail me from Maryland…

Proud

rivermerchant — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:18:49 +0000

I’ve always strove to be more like my younger self. Outgoing, quick, smart, nice, spontaneous. That is, up until this year. I’ve written terrible journal entries about how I hate myself, about my imperfections. And this is the first time that I’m really happy with myself. I have my shortcomings… but at least I’m proud of who I am. Now when I identify a problem in myself I don’t devote myself completely to fixing it. I just keep it in mind and keep moving forward. Not everything has to be perfect for life to go on. Theres still huge room for improvement, but defeating myself before I even set out got me nowhere. I think I know better now. I hope.

Analysis

rivermerchant — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:17:32 +0000

I finally understand a bit more about school. Analysis. They taught me all the different things to look for, how to draw conclusions, how to read between the lines. Talking with my parents, analyzing this movie, I realized. I LOVE to analyze things, and school has taught me how. Sure, I love to see things and not think too much about them. I like to see something, feel it, taste it, smell it. I want to see how many senses it can affect. But later, I like to put it all together to form something cohesive. Theres always a lesson to be learned, knowledge to be gained from the full out experience.