Concieted or worst fears confirmed?
The orange glow is rising up from the ashes
I stare into it and wonder
My only dream
my wish and my refrain:
“I want to have my heart burn.”
All around me the dark is strong
the plains are all awash with fear.
And as I take a step
My thoughts are neatly clipped
Everything is just recycled.
When I saw the person on the first day
I wondered to myself about them then
I will end the dole
or maybe lose my soul
And I saw their broken heart.
I let the despair flow out strong
it wouldn’t stop that much is plain
engineered from one
to leap up at the gun
Turns the heart into a rock.
Now by the smoke the cuts are made
deep and dark will go the blade
Denial of self
No hope by the twelfth
And then I will feel the burn.
Devotion is a funny thing
Feed a plant and watch it sing
By then I saw her too reserved to care.
But despite the guide
she rose up then with pride
And with love did all the scorching burn.
Now here comes the time
The deciding line is nigh
never again will the clock tell.
Whether we’re free to soar above
or banished to the cove.
I have been returned to hell.
I will not take the plunge
I know I’m not too far gone
but on the night I thought you died
I swear I nearly almost cried
and then I knew the price of love
but burning, still, is far enough.
The furnace has died down
The coals crackle around
and yet
I can
not
feel. ~~Clean Cat (facebook note)
When I first read this I was really scared. I was shivering so much… I put on long pants and a jacket and I still couldn’t stop the shaking. I talked to Slick on aim. She helped A LOT. Shes got me almost completely convinced he’s talking about someone else. I’m probably just conceited, thinking its about me. Plus, the thing about meeting the girl with the broken heart totally doesn’t fit me! Sure, its a depressing poem, but it most likely refers to a metaphorical concept or another girl. I’m so glad the shivering has stopped. Pretending its ok really helps. I ought to do this more often. Now my discomfort has reseeded to only be a general feeling of wariness. Its not taking over my body like it did when I talked to Gay or like it did a few seconds ago. This is one emotion I may need an easy damper to suppress. I can’t have it overtaking me at inopportune times. I wish Clean Cat would just say, I’ve found a new girl, I’m OVER YOU. That would make severing the ties so much easier, swifter. I think I’m the only one holding on to the roof, trying to convince myself that I’ve already let go and let the feelings die. But really, I’m hanging on by one subconscious finger, suffering from all the thing which affect one hanging by a thread. Apprehension. False determination. Lingering emotions. The only way I can let go is to know, straight from his mouth, that hes done. No, that didn’t work. He already told me he was “over me”, and that didn’t really help. Then WHAT? Oh cosmos WHAT will help me let go. I’ve tried so many times myself. I thought the summer would help. How can one continue emotional bonds when they never see the other? But truly, all this vacation has done is given me time to overanalyze the situation to the point that I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know how I’d feel about it if it happened that way. lulz. facepalm.jpg. The school year is going to make things so much harder. We’ll see each other everyday. If things go back to normal, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to level my emotions out. Crying so much lately. And if they don’t… things will be terribly awkward. God, its cold. I’ve got this tight warm spot with cold surrounding it. Like a spider bite. Ugh. I’m going to bed. This is getting me nowhere.
Leave a Reply