My fight

Where did my will go? I used to have so much fight in me, so much gusto. I was determined to fix any wrong, to be nice to everyone, to make everything equal, to argue my case with anyone who offered an opposing opinion. When did it die? Did Clean Cat really break me? When I gave up on him,… I gave a huge concession. I couldn’t fix the situation. I knew at the time that I’d have to get over it eventually and get my will to win back. I have enough left to live on… but it seems like I haven’t got that will anymore. I want it back, but I don’t know what to do. I try my hardest every day,… but this seems like all I can do these days.

If I am enough, then why… god damn it. I succeed at so much.. I do so well at so many things. So WHY. WHY do I fail at the two things I love so much: tennis and singing. I am enough, but not.. enough to do what I want to do. I didn’t make ensemble and I didn’t make varsity. But I don’t want to give up completely… I absolutely refuse to give in. I don’t care if this is a sign that I should do other things. I’d rather see it as the cosmos telling me that I’m not trying hard enough, that I’ve lost my fight. I take your rules and interpret them as I please, good sir Universe.

Also, “Moving Mountains” by Usher is a great song for writing here. It makes me feel each emotion rock my body. The shivering, the figiting, the tears. All of it.

~ by rivermerchant on August 7, 2008.